On antepartum floor and still cookin'...

So here we are...made it to an antepartum room on the 4th floor. It is quite tiny, but I don't need much space. Clearly it isn't a room meant for someone who has just had a baby because it's quite tight...no room for a bassinet, not even a couch or pull-out chair for someone to stay overnight. After a little begging I was able to at least get a small chair in the room for the occasional guest which will work just fine. I haven't had more than one other person in here with me at a time, so I can't quite imagine tonight's visit with Robert AND the girls. :)

YET...I am soooooo looking forward to seeing their little faces and snuggling with them even if it's only for a short time.

We've been trying to do Face.Time whenever possible and that has helped them a bit...I think. I'm still not quite sure if it's helping me or making it harder. It's just so hard to lay here and wonder when will I be home again? Will it be this week? Will I still be pregnant? Will it be a month from now? And again, will I still be pregnant?

And yet no one knows. (But if you do by chance have an idea, a vision, a hunch, a crystal ball...I'm happy to hear what it is!)

My OB was here this morning and said he wouldn't torture me with an internal exam today. My peri will be here tomorrow for another ultrasound and I'm sure my OB will do an internal as well. With those two pieces of information we should have a better idea of what is going on and what to do next...if anything.

Right now, I'm just trying to lay as low as possible and keep the weight off my cervix and give that stitch a little relief from all that it's trying so desperately to hold in.

I have shower and bathroom privileges still, so that's a good sign.

Still no contractions or cramping.

Baby Lewis looks great on the monitors and is doing very well.

Nothing else to really report. My IV might be removed soon...it's just a hep-lock right now, ready and waiting should they need to administer meds quickly. But it's been in for a few days and it's time to either move it to a new site or just remove it altogether. I will receive my lovely support hose in the next few hours as well to help with the circulation in my legs since I have been off my feet since Thursday. At least it's not the leg squeezers just yet!

Apparently there are lot of us "sitters" here in L&D and Antepartum right now...a bunch of women trying desperately to give our little ones more time inside. I am a bit further along than most of them and I know that many are facing the possibility of delivering soon and facing long NICU times if their babies are born now and, God willing, survive. I offered to reach out to them via the nurses...I know how this goes and I know how hard it is. I'm not sure if anyone will feel like chatting over texts, but I just don't want anyone to feel alone in this waiting game...especially when it's something you've never been through. It is a feeling of uncertainty, fear, sadness, guilt, anxiety, and worry, like no other.

You feel as though the fate of your child rests in your hands, well, your body...which is failing...yet you have NO control over it. None. What. So. Ever.

Sure, you can pray, you can hope...but you can't will it. You can't close your eyes and clench your fists and make your cervix get longer. You can't make your bag of waters magically reseal if it has ruptured. You can't make your blood pressure go down just by practicing some deep breathing. And you cannot tell your uterus to stop contracting...though trust, me, you try. No matter the complication that has led you here, your body will do what it is programmed to do...for better or worse...to ultimately save your life.

I just hope and pray that these women, and myself, are able to give our little ones the time they need. And truthfully, prayers and positive thoughts are about all we can really ask for and offer each other.