One month til 2!

Happy 23 months Juliana and Mia! Or as Mia would say, "Sissy and Mimi!"...or even the lastest attempt at Juliana, "Djoo-djoo and Mimi!" Juliana calls Mia "Mimi" but hasn't really attempted her own name yet...I don't blame her either, it's a tough one!

We had our final developmental assessment at the Glendale Memorial High-Risk Infant Clinic on July 24th and the girls did great. According to their assessment, the girls are completely caught up to their age in almost all developmental areas. What a blessing! I am thrilled, but also know it's just a brief evaluation and only a snapshot of where they are and what they are doing. I'm pretty confident their current therapists would agree that they are indeed very close to catching up and certainly within the range of typical development.

Then there is their speech development...we are way behind...they say they are at about 16-18 months. Oy. As if being 3 months early wasn't enough of a damper, they are twins to boot. Twins often have speech delays. Why? Because they speak "Juliana/Mia-ese" and understand each other perfectly...so what else matters in their world? They still try to do a lot of pointing and grunting, but we are always encouraging them to use their words. So, the delay wasn't news to us, in fact, we had already requested a speech eval from their current therapy provider. The girls have a great vocabulary and are trying to say almost any word you throw at them (especially 2-3 syllable words), BUT, they are not putting 2 and 3 words together in simple phrases...like, "Mommy want juice" or "I no go." The only 2 words they put together are repeated words like, "Bye-bye!", "No-no-no!" or "Hi mama/dada!" So we will pursue speech further and most likely speech therapy and communication classes will be added in the next month.

Juliana continue to hover below the chart for weight, weighing in at 19lbs., 10 oz. soakin' wet. If we allow for all her clothes, diaper, and shoes, she's close to 19 pounds probably) and Mia is following a nice curve ON the chart. She weighed 23lbs., 4 oz. WITH everything on, so we're guessing she's about 22.5 pounds.

It was hard to believe that was our last official visit with the Nurse Practioner from the NICU, Nurse Debbie. With all we went through, its so hard to just put "that" baby to bed, so to speak. I can't...I can't forget and part of me doesn't want to. I don't know why. It's who they are, who we were, it was our life...and I want to remember it all...even though it's so piecy now. I sat going through bins of clothes and was compelled to open their "preemie" bin...it's the only size I saved EVERY SINGLE outfit. I was amazed at how small, how tiny they were when they fit into those clothes...and to think that was when they were "big girls." Remember the 3 pound party and the 4 pound party? And now my two little preemies are running around like little girls...well, big girls...and it's just a miracle.

Juliana and Mia, mommy and daddy cannot wait to celebrate your 2nd birthday in just a month's time. Two years of life with our sweet baby girls. Mommy celebrated her 34th birthday yesterday and when daddy asked me what I wanted for my birthday in the weeks before it...all I could think was that greatest gift I ever received was you two...no gift will ever compare and every birthday I will forever rejoice in that gift. Your two little faces, four little hands, four little feet...the most amazing gift each and every day of my life. I love you my angels!

The rearview mirror

I know it sounds strange, but the rearview mirror in my car is more than just a rearview mirror. It is a reflection of my life. Even before I was married, I knew I wanted to have children. Whether it was driving "the boys" next door (who I helped watch for many years) or driving alone, I would often glance in the rearview mirror and imagine what life would be like with a backseat full of children. It was an attainable dream at the time, so looking in the mirror always left me looking forward to my future as a mother.

Over the years, the rearview mirror remained the same, but the reflection changed. With each month that passed while trying to have children, I started to resent the rearview mirror. For every glance was met with emptiness...no car seats, no booster seats, no toys...no children. Often I would look over my shoulder, dreaming of a full back seat, but again, seeing nothing there.

When we finally got pregnant with the girls, the reflection changed yet again. Two car seats were going to be there and it was almost unfathomable. Two car seats in MY backseat? When problems arose in the pregnancy, I feared my dreams of those two car seats would be shattered in an instant.

When the girls were born 3 months early, my fears continued. I was so worried about Juliana in the first few weeks, all I could think (and it seems superficial, but it was a defense mechanism) was, "but we have two car seats and we have a double stroller...we HAVE to have two children...it doesn't work without BOTH of them." The thought actually crossed my mind in the first 24 hours..."Lord, if you can't save Juliana, please take Mia with her so she won't be alone."

Months passed and the reflection in the rearview mirror changed once again. The girls were almost ready to come home and there they were...the two car seats gracing the outboard sides of my backseat. I can remember clearly the first time I drove somewhere with the car seats installed. I was in the garage, getting ready to leave to spend the day with the girls in the NICU. I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw the two car seats. I smiled, sat back and then turned around to get a better look at my new life, there in the back seat. I think I sat in the car staring at those two seats, crying for am almost 15 minutes before I managed to peel myself away from them and compose myself enough to drive to Burbank.

And then there were the girls' homecoming days...days where those car seats finally, after everything, were filled with two beautiful baby girls. The first time I drove the two of them somewhere, by myself, once again, I sat in the garage staring over my shoulder at my backseat. All I could see were four little feet stretching, flexing, curling from time to time....but they were my sweet girls' four little feet...MY own children.

Today the rearview mirror still gets me. Now that Mia is finally forward facing (Juliana still has 1.5 pounds to go), I can see her little face looking back at me and my heart just melts. I love the reflection in the mirror now, but will never forget the past. I am constantly looking in the backseat when fishing for shoes and sippie cups and making it a point to stop, stare, and thank the Lord for those two car seats. I am always brought to tears, if even for just a moment, because I remember and then I see my life today and simply am amazed that it is my life, with babies, with daughters, with children of my own.

The little things...

I think I am in complete denial...the girls are 22 months now and their 2nd birthday that seemed so far away is now less than 2 months away. I have decided that time is really not on our side and that it just seems to fly right past us. I feel like sometimes, it moves too quickly for us, for the girls...like we're here in this moment and I want to cherish it, revel in it, enjoy every bit of it...but there isn't the time to do that always. I'm always so worried I haven't captured enough memories on film or in a my journal because I'm trying to live those moments instead. What if I forget? What if it all passes by and I just can't remember the little things...

...like how Juliana taps her hand on the pillow, on the bed, and then on my arm, so gently, as she drifts off to sleep...

...or how she stands behind her sister, wrapping her arms around her, resting her head on Mia's shoulder while Mia rests her head on Juliana's...

...their cute little voices saying "animal"...

...Mia's giggle when being tickled...

...how they love to "sway" to slow music...

...what it's like to wake up to Mia laying on top of me (yes, sometimes I am so sound asleep I don't feel her climb into our bed and ON me)...

...snuggling with my girls and drifting off to sleep with two angels resting their little heads on my shoulders...

Juliana and Mia,
You two are the absolute light of our lives. We can't for the life of us imagine what life was like without you two here. What on earth did we do with all our time before? You seem to learn something new each day and never cease to bring a smile to our faces. We love you both more than words can ever demonstrate and hope that you come to know this love one day. Every day we look at you and see the answer to our prayers, a dream come to life, a wish my heart made over and over and over come true. Juliana, you are my littlest angel, and Mia, my sweet boo boo bear. We thank God each and every day for giving us the gift of you. Happy 22 months girls! With all our love,
Mommy and Daddy