3.18.06

4:30a.m.

I woke up having to pee sooooo badly. But I couldn’t. I was 15dpo…spotting…but thought, “Let’s just do this…get it over with…POAS and see that BFN, and go back to bed.” My beta wasn’t for two days. Yep…my crazy doctor thought I could make it that long…17dpo? Seriously? Robert was sound asleep. So I snuck out of bed, head hanging low, so scared to do what I knew I had to do to just put me out of my misery and move on to the next cycle.

I went to the guest bathroom where we were all set up…all the syringes, the meds, the heating pad, swabs, oh…and always a few HPTs. I had two—a digital and one of your blue line tests. So I quickly peed in a cup, unwrapped the two tests, and dipped the blue line test in first…30 seconds, then you have to wait 3 minutes before you can look at the test. I laid it on the counter and glanced at the clock…3 minutes. Here we go.

I turned around, stared at the ceiling, tears filled my eyes because I wasn’t ready to see the result…I wasn’t ready for another failed cycle.

2 minutes to go…

I started pacing, hands clasped, praying quietly, “Please God…I know it’s probably negative, but please, please, please, please…let it be…let it be…let it be.”

1 minute to go…

Fighting back the tears, pulling it together, trying to get ready to accept the BFN…again. “Please God, please, please, please, please…”

Time is up.

I turned around, picked up the test and lo and behold…TWO blue lines…POSITIVE. I clutched the test (pee and all), fell to the ground, and cried hysterically, “Thank you God, thank you, thank you, thank you…”

I think I sat there on the floor in a puddle of tears for about 20 minutes. Crying, praying, crying, laughing, crying. And what did I do next? Dipped the digital. Oh yes…I had to confirm it and see the word(s). 3 minutes later, “Pregnant.” I just smiled, looked up and again, “Thank you God.”

After that, I cleaned up the bathroom, laid the two tests side by side, and like a good infertile…pulled out the camera…photo op, right? I then snuck back into bed, snuggled up next to Robert, he hardly moved, but made a noise so I knew he was at least slightly coherent. I whispered in his ear, “We’re pregnant.” He opened his eyes, kissed me, smiled, and he held me so very tight…put his hand on my belly and we fell back to sleep in each other’s arms, the weight of the world lifted off our shoulders…even if only for a moment. We’d been here many times before, only to have it taken away all too quickly. But this time felt different, very different…and I knew we’d be okay.

It was an amazing day. A day that brought a smile to my face…where it had been missed for so very long.