Hotel Antepartum

Well, looks like this is home, for now. 

I saw my OB this morning and he said he decided not to do an internal until later this week. He does not want to disturb anything in there and since there really have been no physical changes or signs warranting "checking" my cervix, there simply isn't the need. In his words, we are day-to-day...but he is optimistic.

And he casually slipped out of the room, off to a surgery that was to happen in 3 minutes time. I wanted so badly to ask what "optimistic" meant in terms of days, but I know he can't answer that. No one can.

Today was very quiet and I didn't do much. Dozed off and on this morning....dozed off and on this afternoon. Visited with my sister-in-law on her lunch. Enjoyed an evening with the hubby, a shower (if you want to call it that...more like rinsing off with a waterpick), yummy Chinese take-out, and some mindless reality TV.

My monitoring sessions went well. Baby Lewis is very "reactive" with good accelerations and decelerations...and of course, lots of movement. S/he is not so fond of me laying on my back with the monitor pushing on his/her little back. His/her main goal seems to be how the heck can I kick this thing off of me or get away from it. Sadly, I think this little one is just too wedged in there--head down and butt stuck in that one horn--to really move anywhere else.

At the end of both sessions, I had one contraction. Kinda' like clockwork as my bladder fills up and I've just been on my back too long. If I am on my sides, I simply don't contract.

Tonight I also was visited by my peri who did a vaginal ultrasound to see where my cervix is at. Overall, the length of my cervix is much shorter...last Thursday it was 3.37cm and tonight it was 2.25cm. It could be a little longer, but it was a different ultrasound machine and he said he was being very conservative...not giving my cervix ANY benefit of the doubt.

And of course, it looked fine. No funneling. Which is what it appears to be doing while my uterus is at rest. But, then he pushed on my uterus and there it went...shrunk down to nothing, right to the stitch creating that lovely little funnel. There is still about 5mm from the stitch with a little bit below it.

The good thing is that it isn't any worse and that it most likely isn't like that ALL day long...just when I am contracting...which isn't very often and almost always the cause of a full bladder and not any kind of preterm labor.

Still, it was disappointing and my peri definitely shared his frustration with my cervix as a few expletives came out of his mouth. He's a good Christian man, but clearly he was genuinely upset. I assured him that where my cervix is concerned, all profanity is completely allowed and justified...if not expected.

We all laughed.

He is fairly certain that after he speaks with my OB, they will agree to keep me here, mostly because it is safer and my darn cervix is just so unpredictable. We live 40 minutes from the hospital and it's just not a risk they want to take right now.

There will be discussion as the days progress of 1) whether or not to repeat that fFN test after 2 full weeks, and 2) whether or not to repeat the steroids after 2 full weeks. It just depends on whether or not I am still pregnant at that time and whether or not either will make a difference.

We are all settling into this new normal. It's hard on everyone, but mostly Robert. Between work, the girls, the house, the dogs, and well, ME...he has a lot manage. Not to mention at some point he must be dealing with his own worries, doubts, frustrations, and fears. Yet, he is a truly remarkable man and is simply taking it all in stride. Family is making adjustments and helping out wherever possible and for that, we are so grateful. We all know it takes a village to raise a child...but when you're talking about me, it takes a village to keep me pregnant. Thank you to everyone for your support, prayers, and helping hands...we appreciate you all more than words could ever express.

On antepartum floor and still cookin'...

So here we are...made it to an antepartum room on the 4th floor. It is quite tiny, but I don't need much space. Clearly it isn't a room meant for someone who has just had a baby because it's quite tight...no room for a bassinet, not even a couch or pull-out chair for someone to stay overnight. After a little begging I was able to at least get a small chair in the room for the occasional guest which will work just fine. I haven't had more than one other person in here with me at a time, so I can't quite imagine tonight's visit with Robert AND the girls. :)

YET...I am soooooo looking forward to seeing their little faces and snuggling with them even if it's only for a short time.

We've been trying to do Face.Time whenever possible and that has helped them a bit...I think. I'm still not quite sure if it's helping me or making it harder. It's just so hard to lay here and wonder when will I be home again? Will it be this week? Will I still be pregnant? Will it be a month from now? And again, will I still be pregnant?

And yet no one knows. (But if you do by chance have an idea, a vision, a hunch, a crystal ball...I'm happy to hear what it is!)

My OB was here this morning and said he wouldn't torture me with an internal exam today. My peri will be here tomorrow for another ultrasound and I'm sure my OB will do an internal as well. With those two pieces of information we should have a better idea of what is going on and what to do next...if anything.

Right now, I'm just trying to lay as low as possible and keep the weight off my cervix and give that stitch a little relief from all that it's trying so desperately to hold in.

I have shower and bathroom privileges still, so that's a good sign.

Still no contractions or cramping.

Baby Lewis looks great on the monitors and is doing very well.

Nothing else to really report. My IV might be removed soon...it's just a hep-lock right now, ready and waiting should they need to administer meds quickly. But it's been in for a few days and it's time to either move it to a new site or just remove it altogether. I will receive my lovely support hose in the next few hours as well to help with the circulation in my legs since I have been off my feet since Thursday. At least it's not the leg squeezers just yet!

Apparently there are lot of us "sitters" here in L&D and Antepartum right now...a bunch of women trying desperately to give our little ones more time inside. I am a bit further along than most of them and I know that many are facing the possibility of delivering soon and facing long NICU times if their babies are born now and, God willing, survive. I offered to reach out to them via the nurses...I know how this goes and I know how hard it is. I'm not sure if anyone will feel like chatting over texts, but I just don't want anyone to feel alone in this waiting game...especially when it's something you've never been through. It is a feeling of uncertainty, fear, sadness, guilt, anxiety, and worry, like no other.

You feel as though the fate of your child rests in your hands, well, your body...which is failing...yet you have NO control over it. None. What. So. Ever.

Sure, you can pray, you can hope...but you can't will it. You can't close your eyes and clench your fists and make your cervix get longer. You can't make your bag of waters magically reseal if it has ruptured. You can't make your blood pressure go down just by practicing some deep breathing. And you cannot tell your uterus to stop contracting...though trust, me, you try. No matter the complication that has led you here, your body will do what it is programmed to do...for better or worse...to ultimately save your life.

I just hope and pray that these women, and myself, are able to give our little ones the time they need. And truthfully, prayers and positive thoughts are about all we can really ask for and offer each other.

The latest

I am happy to say that today is ending on a much better note than it started on.

When I woke up this morning, my OB greeted me with a rather somber tone...which is very unlike the man he is, typically upbeat, optimistic, old school, liberal, relaxed in his approach.

He sat down by my bed and said, "Baby is doing fabulous, thank heavens for that. Our goal here is to give you that steroid shot at noon, do the fFN test in the afternoon, and hope that we can squeeze 28 more hours out of this pregnancy."

As if that wasn't hard enough to swallow, his last sentence as he walked out the door was, "I'm not going to make any grim predictions...but I think we're looking at delivery soon, unless we see some dramatic changes for the better."

And that was that.

GULP.

The steroid shot came at noon and ouch, it's a doozy. It's not that I don't like shots, well, not like I really DO, but when you receive up to 4 shots per day for weeks on end...shots just aren't that big of a deal until someone different does it. I'm used to the quick dart method, but man, these nurses are not so into that. Instead, it's the slow push in method and I just about wanted to turn around and do it myself!

My uterus has thankfully been very quiet, but just before the shot, I had one really good contraction...one that was about a minute long and took my breath away. I received the shot about 10 minutes later and proceeded to have 3 more contractions spaced about 5 minutes apart. I was really worried it was the start of something, but a quick trip to the ladies room and a roll to the left side did the trick and kept things quiet for another 4 hours or so. It seems my body is having about 1 contraction have 2-4 hours which is not labor.

Still, they are watching and waiting.

Contractions are what typically cause the pressure that allows the cervix to change. In my case, my cervix is changing without the contractions. My OB said the pressure of the baby who is quickly running out of room in my heart-shaped uterus is causing the changes and contractions will only make it worse. Right now, Baby Lewis is head down and tucked in the left horn of my bicornuate uterus. S/he did manage to flip head down in the last couple weeks, so there is room...but the right side is still completely empty and unfortunately very difficult for the baby to get to.

A few hours after the shot I had the fetal FibroNectin test done...yeeeeOUCH. That's all I'm gonna' say people. Read up on the method used and you will understand WHY it hurts so much ladies. Fortunately, I won't have another for 2 weeks...if the negative result we received truly means that I will NOT go into labor in the next 2 weeks.

That is, unless I am in the 1% category for which the test is invalid.

Ha, ha, HA...right?

My OB stopped in a little later and said he was very pleased at the test result and plans to assess me tomorrow or Sunday via internal exam to see if there are any changes, for better or worse. Fortunately the nurse who did the fFN test noted she did not see any signs of blood, discharge, mucus plug, and my cervix was closed.

There is a chance that if the contractions stay away, I might be moved to the 4th floor Ante/Postpartum unit for monitoring...either for the duration of the pregnancy OR until things take a turn for the worse OR until things stabilize enough to send me home on strict bedrest.

My peri came by after my OB and said he wants to do another vaginal ultrasound on Monday or Tuesday to see what is going on from inside and do a growth scan of the baby to see where s/he is at in terms of development. He is thinking that will all of the information from the tests, internal exams, and ultrasounds, they will have a pretty good picture of what is going on and the course of action to take.

So it appears that I will be here until at least Monday, possibly Tuesday. But maybe, just maybe, HOME after that...if I am still pregnant. Which trust me, I so hope and pray to be.

Not being home is hard...harder for such different reasons than when I was in the hospital when I was pregnant with the girls. Back then I missed my doggies and my husband.

Now I miss all of that...and my girls. And while I know my doggies miss me, and so does my amazing husband, our girls are having a hard time. Bedtime is our thing...our time together.

We have a wonderful routine and it's something I think the girls and I look forward to each and every night. Daddy doesn't quite enjoy it as much as I do...but he's on the fast track now.

It starts with getting ready for bed, cleaning up, brushing hair, brushing teeth, then getting into bed. The girls choose 1-2 books each and we read for about 20 minutes. After reading is singing time...their favorite lullabies and other quiet songs. Then it's our prayers. And finally our whispered "I love you's" and "Goodnights." All the while, their little heads rest on each shoulder and I stroke their hair. After the goodnights, they will usually roll to the opposite side and doze off in a matter of minutes, as I rub their backs. It's our snuggle time. Our mommy/daughter time without any distractions...and though it's a process that takes a good 45 minutes from start to finish...

...I cherish it.

So far I've had two nights without it and how hard it is. It's different than going away for a night to a hotel...I'm in the hospital which comes with fears and unknowns. The girls don't understand why I cannot be at home...why I am not coming home today...why I have to stay. We try to explain, but ultimately, they just want me there and trust me...I want to be there more than anything.

But daddy is there and doing an amazing job. Tonight Juliana had a very hard time falling asleep, so they called me and together, daddy and I put her to sleep. We sang our songs (and of course, I couldn't get through the last sentence of "You Are My Sunshine" without bawling my eyes out and having to put the phone down. Daddy came to the rescue and together we talked her to sleep.

He is pretty incredible...which reminds me, it's time for my bedtime phone call...so he can talk me down and to sleep.

I will update more as I know it, but for now, keep the prayers, positive thoughts, and good vibes coming...clearly they are working and we are so incredibly grateful for the overwhelming support.

With much love...