The rearview mirror

I know it sounds strange, but the rearview mirror in my car is more than just a rearview mirror. It is a reflection of my life. Even before I was married, I knew I wanted to have children. Whether it was driving "the boys" next door (who I helped watch for many years) or driving alone, I would often glance in the rearview mirror and imagine what life would be like with a backseat full of children. It was an attainable dream at the time, so looking in the mirror always left me looking forward to my future as a mother.

Over the years, the rearview mirror remained the same, but the reflection changed. With each month that passed while trying to have children, I started to resent the rearview mirror. For every glance was met with emptiness...no car seats, no booster seats, no toys...no children. Often I would look over my shoulder, dreaming of a full back seat, but again, seeing nothing there.

When we finally got pregnant with the girls, the reflection changed yet again. Two car seats were going to be there and it was almost unfathomable. Two car seats in MY backseat? When problems arose in the pregnancy, I feared my dreams of those two car seats would be shattered in an instant.

When the girls were born 3 months early, my fears continued. I was so worried about Juliana in the first few weeks, all I could think (and it seems superficial, but it was a defense mechanism) was, "but we have two car seats and we have a double stroller...we HAVE to have two children...it doesn't work without BOTH of them." The thought actually crossed my mind in the first 24 hours..."Lord, if you can't save Juliana, please take Mia with her so she won't be alone."

Months passed and the reflection in the rearview mirror changed once again. The girls were almost ready to come home and there they were...the two car seats gracing the outboard sides of my backseat. I can remember clearly the first time I drove somewhere with the car seats installed. I was in the garage, getting ready to leave to spend the day with the girls in the NICU. I glanced in the rearview mirror and saw the two car seats. I smiled, sat back and then turned around to get a better look at my new life, there in the back seat. I think I sat in the car staring at those two seats, crying for am almost 15 minutes before I managed to peel myself away from them and compose myself enough to drive to Burbank.

And then there were the girls' homecoming days...days where those car seats finally, after everything, were filled with two beautiful baby girls. The first time I drove the two of them somewhere, by myself, once again, I sat in the garage staring over my shoulder at my backseat. All I could see were four little feet stretching, flexing, curling from time to time....but they were my sweet girls' four little feet...MY own children.

Today the rearview mirror still gets me. Now that Mia is finally forward facing (Juliana still has 1.5 pounds to go), I can see her little face looking back at me and my heart just melts. I love the reflection in the mirror now, but will never forget the past. I am constantly looking in the backseat when fishing for shoes and sippie cups and making it a point to stop, stare, and thank the Lord for those two car seats. I am always brought to tears, if even for just a moment, because I remember and then I see my life today and simply am amazed that it is my life, with babies, with daughters, with children of my own.