Guilt

I feel it on so many levels right now...

...and it just plain sucks.

A lovely little cold/flu bug is sweeping through the house and taking down victim after victim. Both girls are sick. Robert is fighting it. My mom is fighting it.

Sick = no visits. And that certainly is difficult on the psyche...remember, it's just me and my little "room with a view"...kinda'.

But what hurts even more is not being there to help. My little girls are waking up crying for mommy to make it all better, to snuggle them, to put a washcloth on their foreheads, to wipe their noses, to stroke their little heads, to hold them tight, to tell them it's going to be alright.

And I can't.

Ouch.

To top it off, Daddy and Grandma aren't feeling great. They are doing their best, which is an amazing job, but I know to say this is "hard" on them is an understatement right now. Oh and then there's that other little thing called "work" that both need to do on occasion as well.

Despite our world being turned upside-down...life is still moving at the same pace and my poor family is desperately trying to keep up...with all of this other stuff coming down upon them like a ton of bricks.

Part of me feels as if I have snuck away and am "oh so conveniently" side-stepping all of my duties as mommy and wife. I feel helpless, lazy, and useless. I am of no help to my family at home and as I sit here, my body is failing this baby as well.

The days are long and the nights are hard. I've done this before and I know a light lies somewhere ahead...I just don't see it yet. I feel caught in this quandary...wanting desperately for my body to hang on and give this little one more time inside so life on the outside won't be an even worse struggle.

Yet this horrible little part of me wants to go home against doctor's orders and take care of my family...even if it means the baby might be born far too soon.

And for that last thought, I feel a huge sense of guilt. Here I am, 30wk1d and I still have not truly become attached to this baby. It's not that I feel nothing...it's just that I don't feel something all of the time. It comes and goes...which is strange.

To this day I catch a glance of myself in the mirror and have to do a double-take...like whoa...who is that big ol' PREGNANT lady? Seriously, it's me? No way. We're gonna' have a BABY? You're joking, right?

I have no doubt in my mind that once this baby is here, she or he will be loved and cherished more than anything in this world...but until that moment is realized, I'll still be sitting here in disbelief.

I miss my family. I miss my home. I miss my doggies. I miss my bed. I miss my couch. I miss my food.

Yet, I know this is what I HAVE to do...and do it...I will.